The Misadventures of a Paranoid Mom

Finding My Niche in this World...

2009-06-04T08:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, I picked up the book "Hearing is Believing: How Words Can Make or Break Our Kids", and was amazed at what I read. It was exactly the point I was trying to make in my last blog post. Let me quote it:

"The best way to satisfy the urge to belong is to come up with some unique

contribution or carve out some meaningful role that benefits [society]

while still honoring our personal moral principles. Those who do this

are often rewarded with acceptance. "

The book goes on to say that many of us were raised to be externally-directed. Meaning we look to others for approval and for the standard and way in which we should live. This creates a big problem because in a society like that, we are all competing for the same things. By becoming self-directed and teaching our children to live like that, we begin to find our unique niche in the world. This creates more self-confident, moral human beings to say the least.

So now I'm again lost. Should I try to pull out my unique niche from what I already have, or should I try something new, like cooking? I'm again overwhelmed by the plethora of options in my life. So much so that I'm just standing still in a state of confusion. What is my niche? How can I find it? I tend to over think things, so maybe that's what I'm doing again here. I can't remember who said it, but there is a quote that fits well here: "Do one thing, and do it well."

But what is MY thing!?! Growing up my passion was dance. I was a dancer, and I did it well. As time went on, things got screwy, and I never followed my dancing dreams. I wanted to travel the world, dancing, and learning new types of dance. Somehow that got lost. I still love to dance, but now I see it as a dead end. I feel like I've passed that window in which I could dance. I'm 29, too old, I feel, to be a dancer. My passion for it has waned. Now what? I honestly can't think of something that I feel as passionately about as I did about dance.

I love my family unconditionally, but, in contemplation, maybe I haven't put that passion in to it that I should have. Maybe the words of "mother" and "wife" strike some subconscious bad chord within me. I get so angry if anyone calls me a housewife. "I own a business", I shout unnecessarily. The modern woman in me is fighting these roles. But isn't that what I've always wanted? Growing up with two brothers and a sister, I was the little mother. I copied my mom, and took care of the little ones. It's still the negative stereotype of housewife that I just don't want. If I throw my passion into these roles, how will I be perceived? Which brings us back to the original topic, am I living externally-directed or am I living self-directed? Maybe if I throw myself into these roles, my niche will emerge on its own. Maybe my niche, is just that, passionate, devoted mother and wife. I still cringe at the words...

I welcome all feedback. Please email at paranoidmom29@gmail.com

Cooking up some Friendships

2009-06-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've decided to take on two new projects. First is this blog. I feel it will really help me sort out my life, that is the hope anyway. The second project is learning to cook WELL. I can cook. I can follow instructions, but I want to REALLY cook. I want to know all the cooking jargon. I want to be that woman who cooks these amazing and creative dishes. When people come over, I want them to know that they will be getting an extraordinary meal. They will come to me for cooking advice or recipes, and I'll always be the first invited to all the potlucks. I've never had this desire before, but last night it hit me in the shower. This is what I can contribute. I've started to realize that for people to truly want to be your friend, you've got to contribute SOMETHING to the relationship. With men, it's easy, sex. But what about in female relationships?

Let me back up here, and give you a little background on myself. I have always been a man's woman. I hung out with men growing up, and always only had a few girlfriends. And usually they were more like allies to help me get more men. I was boy-crazy to say the least. I was a master at the art of seduction. I could get any man I wanted, and I never really had my heart broken. Relationships with men were always easy for me. It was relationships with women where I always had a problem. I just don't get it. After I met my husband, I never really looked at another man. He was it. But now I was forced to figure out how to befriend women. For me this was easier said than done. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my daughter that I really began to form relationships with other women. My daughter is 13 months old now, and maintaining and forming new relationships with women is still an uphill battle for me.

Like I was saying, I've begun to think that I'm not contributing to these friendships. What can people come to me for that they can't go to another friend for? I don't give the best advice, my phone conversations leave something lacking, and I'm really just not that good at any one thing. What can I give? Well, I'm a small business owner, I eat organic, and I love confrontations. Oh, and I love to dance. OK, those aren't going to help me strengthen my friendships in any way that I can fathom at this point in my life. Then I thought about cooking. Cooking is something I have to do anyway, everyday, and everyone loves a good meal. Well, I guess unless your anorexic or something. If I could cook really well, than this is what I could give. I could host dinners, bring food to friends who need the help, and always be able to make the best play date snacks. I would be the chef of the group, I would finally have a place. I will keep you posted.

I encourage any feedback. Please email me at paranoidmom29@gmail.com.

And so it begins....

2009-06-03T10:26:00.001-07:00

Working at home with a 13 month old daughter is fun, frustrating, depressing and joyous at the same time. Every day I question who I am, what I'm doing, and if any of it is right. I'm writing this blog to save my sanity, to have a voice in this world, and to straighten out my crazy thoughts. I'm not going to try and be humorous, insightful, or informative, but if those things come out naturally I'll be thrilled. This is just my life with all its highs, lows, and in-betweens. Maybe you can relate or maybe you think I'm crazy, I did do quite a few drugs in high school. So strap in, and come along for the ride. And so it begins....